Loss is not easy. I realize I’m most likely talking to a group of people who have encountered their own share of loss in life (who hasn’t?) but I just had to say it.
It’s been a tough couple of months for me and I’ve experienced more loss than I really thought I could ever deal with in a short of period of time. Without getting into a lot of details, I’ve definitely had more than I’d like in terms of life’s downs. I could definitely use some ups. Now would be good.
In my lifetime, I’ve dealt with loss frequently. There’s no doubt about that. I’ve been through the stages of grieving and I’ve stood by others who had to do the same thing. It doesn’t matter if it’s a loved one that has passed away, the loss of a job, the loss of a dream, the loss of pet and it also doesn’t matter how the loss happened. Loss is loss. And I thought I had a pretty good grip on how to deal with it all.
But I’ve realized that maybe I don’t.
You see, I had a miscarriage recently. It’s the third baby that my husband and I have lost and the first two were awful. Truly awful. It has always been my worst fear in life to lose a child. And I’ve done the whole “why” conversation with myself, but the fact is this: it is what it is. That fact of course doesn’t make it easier.
This time it’s been harder than ever to bounce back. The past couple of weeks have been almost zombie-like for me. I’ve welcomed distractions like work, getting the kids ready for their upcoming school year, crafting, a little travel and a plethora of other things that I’m trying to use to get back into the swing of things. And it’s helping somewhat. But I feel like I’m constantly pushing through a dark cloud to try and “be happy.” I’m aware of the stages of grief and I know I’ve been through all of them in varying degrees. But the fact of the matter is, I’m sad. I’m just plain sad.
But I’ve decided to keep moving forward.
Every day has been pretty difficult and it’s been a challenge to try and be positive in the everyday world. It’s part of the reason I haven’t blogged here much lately because I’d feel like a fraud. But it’s time. It’s time to move forward and do something. And I’m making progress. I’m writing again and I’m working on various projects that really get my creative brain flowing. I’m hanging out with friends, I’m spending more time with family. I’m reading really wonderful books that are beautifully written. I’m trying new things and testing my creativity.
But it still feels like something is missing. Like there’s a piece of this puzzle that if I just figure it out, I’ll be able to have a really amazing picture. So I keep trying things to figure out what that piece is.
The reason I’m posting this (and believe me I debated for a long time whether or not I was going to post on this) is I’m looking for some guidance and suggestions from you. What do you do when you seem to have lost the bounce back factor? What works for you and what doesn’t? I’d love to hear about it. And I thank you for listening.
Photo Credit: LifeWatch-EAP.com
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
I can't believe your bravery. I too am missing the ability to bounce.
You know, I know exactly how you are feeling. Sometimes the sadness can feel as if we are being swallowed whole. It's a thin line between having the ability to keep going and just going to throw in the towel, at times….In those times, I do the best I can to hold onto hope.
There are no words of comfort that help; there are no spectacular events that help…sometimes you have to ride the wave of sadness feeling everything until you can't feel the sadness anymore. Reaching that point is different for everybody…and really getting to that point can happen in any number of ways…from looking at a smile, to seeing someone going through something terrible, or even remembering something that used to inspire you.
But through it all, you have to be absolutely honest with yourself; about your feelings, about where you believe you are in life, about the people who surround you and about your ability to make it through. You have to UnderStand that even one false message to the self sets you up for an even bigger emotional block. No matter how ugly it can be, you have to look and say, "This is my Truth. I may not like it…as a matter of fact, I'm damned pissed about it. But this is my Truth and for whatever reason, I exist at this very moment."
You have choices to make. You can keep going, even if it is mechanically until you get the good feelings again. Or you can quit. But the world will still go on if you quit. So you have to decide if it's worth it to get up and keep moving; RegardLess of what others tell you or don't tell you…whether or not they will support you or not…even when your bones, muscles and your very joints scream out, "I just can't take it AnyMore!"
You head makes you take more…and your heart makes you feel more. But your WILL makes you BE more. So summon up WILL the BoyFriend and MAKE HIM ACT RIGHT. LOL…
Because there's no sense in having him around if you could do worse by YourSelf.
Live for YourSelf, your HusBand, your Children, your Creator, your dreams, etc…and make WILL do what you want him to do. After all, you own WILL. He shouldn't be telling YOU what to do.
Savvy
Life's definitely not easy. I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I know sometimes it's not easy to see that the glass is half full, but it is. You have wonderful things in your life everyday. I have a favorite quote I'd like to share with you:
I saw grief drinking a cup
of sorrow and called out,
"It tastes sweet, does it not?"
"You've caught me," grief answered,
"and you've ruined my business.
How can I sell sorrow,
when you know it's a blessing.?"
Rumi
There is sweetness in sorrow. Sometimes it just takes time to figure out what it is.
I'm so sorry about your loss. We've suffered the loss of two children ourselves. A little boy at 33 weeks and another baby at 11 weeks. Sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel isn't it? It's there. Just like you said, keep moving forward. It's 2 1/2 years since the loss of our son and not a day goes by I don't think of either one of my lost babies, but at least it no longer feels like a knife in my heart at just the thought of them. *hugs* to you.
oh Angela I am so sorry, I had two miscarriages before having Will and remember how lost I felt, and thought I would never bounce back and I did, I still become very sad when I look back but time does heal and I look to Will and think what a blessing he is through it all.